i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i think i just lost a toe
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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