Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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