The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
