The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
