apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
