my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
