My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i need some magic done to my vagina
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
