i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
