my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
