1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
