return my video game
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
