mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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