did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
