Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
