im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
