I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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