there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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