your parents love me but you hate me
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
