I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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