you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Blood and glitter go together right?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
