you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
