Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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