"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
