I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
did you just send me my own nude
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
