why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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