Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
