please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
