Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
