Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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