Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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