he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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