I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We just shotgunned beers for America
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
