I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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