were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
