I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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