Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
