What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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