I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Less talking, more tequila
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
