Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
