The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
