Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
