i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
