can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
