Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
