I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
