and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
