I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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