I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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