my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
