Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
